Lost in the Abyss of Who

Do we ever really know who we are? Do we ever really find ourselves? We can be sure at times, but do we know??

My mind at times tells me, "I've got it all right-everythings going great and I'm on top of the world". Do I really know if I'm happy?

My past has a funny way of sneaking up on me, as does everyones'. My past to me is lonliness, lies, deceit, illegality, impure, hateful, negativity, depression, drama, and pain. Why would I want to hold onto any of that? I KNOW that I wasnt happy, but I'm afraid that because I've found a new happy "ME" that I think I know who I am. I know I've not yet fully discovered myself, but if I am subconciously lying to myself, thinking I am something I'm not, then...well, I dont want to be lying to myself-but how do I know-know whats right and wrong, whats me and whats not? How does anyone really know? I'm so sure of myself sometimes, so confident, but as I've said, I am a confusing creature-Is that me? Am I doomed to be confusing? Is that a part of who I am? How do I know, when its all so...confusing...There's no book with the direct definition of who one is-we have to play the guessing game...Self-discovery is everyone's top priority-whether they realize it or not-Their jobs, their relationships, their hobbies, their likes and dislikes-Its all apart of who they are. Those who've found themselves are the lucky few, far and few between. But how are they positive? Self-doubt never comes to their minds? They are the lucky ones if that is the case. It would be perfectly simple if someone told us, "This is you; This is who you are" and we were content-but noone ever is content forever, so we remain wandering, lost in the abyss of wondering who? Who are we?

Maybe we are always "us"; always ourselves-There is no such thing as "being who we really are" around certain people because the way we act towards them is who we are-how we adapt. "Be yourself!" "Show your true colors!" These dont exist, because everything we do is apart of who we are; we are constantly changing people. Our problem is not, "Who am I?", because we are always ourselves, but, "How am I the most at peace with myself?" Finding peace with yourself is when you will blatantly know who you are. For me, I am most at peace with myself when I have a cup of hot tea, a classical book, a horse beneath me, when I am writing, photographing, painting, when I am swimming, when I am smiling...Finding your smile, your real smile, is finding you.

I refuse to remain lost in the abyss of who any longer-I know who I am, what I want, maybe not everything I want, but I am confusing, its apart of who I am, and I know that. I know who I am, what I enjoy and what I dont, I know what makes me smile. For the rest of those still lost in the abyss of who, good luck...Smile...Writing this has helped me realize...